4.04.2003

fuk you? PAY ME!
//.damm its been a hot minute. i guess that i just didnt feel like putting my non-existent life on blast like that. nahmean? anyhow, nothing much has been going on besides the same old, same old. last week friday was kind of interesting. we started out (me, twiggy, mon mon) at bar america. that place is hella big. anyhow we went there and had some drinks. everything was cool, until some upper east sider's decided that they could just move our coats from the stool they were on without asking. at first i wasnt going to say anything but these 2 HUUUUUUUUUUUge black ladies were like "Oh helllll nah girl they moved yo shit? i wouldnt take that" so that they wouldnt proceed to beat the shit out of me, i got up and scolded the kids. it was hilarious becuase michel just looked at them and was like "dont say shit either i see you" while i was walking back. so they left out the other side so that they wouldnt have to bypass us. i thought that was comical. anyhow we met mark and duane and headed out to grooveNYC.
//.boy was that an adventure. i felt like i was in another planet. the music was great. we ended up sitting next to this rich white man who was there with his girlfriend (read=he was married, and cheating) wrong and strong!!!! and he wanted to take me down with him! he offered me $1,000 for 5 minutes. ROFL. damm am i that cute? hehe. and his girlfriend was egging it on. WTF? but she was cool we went downstairs and chiefed a couple of times. that night was just strange. girls seem to dig me way too much for my own good in the village. the girl in the band didnt take her eyes off me for the ENTIRE night. i was like dayum... anyways, i was there for a while and had one too many drinks. ok maybe like 5 too many drinks. guys just kept buying me drinks. i told all the ugly boys i was gay. it worked like a charm and the drinks keept on comin!!! ROFL. i got home around 5 am. since i decided to 'play' with one of the singers afterwards. hehe. he was so cute!
//.besides that nothing much went down that weekend. i just planed to go out on saturday and i fell asleep. but it was ok because friday night was too much. this weekend its raining and i dont know what exactly it is that i am going to do. i need to do laundry, and im hoping to go out tomorrow night, but who knows. but as usual im at work, so i have to get back to it.
//maktub

3.21.2003

bag.dat
//. im so happy that its the weekend. weekends renew me. i have no clue as to what I will be doing this weekend but a lot of relaxing will be taking place. the minute i get home i will indulge in my fave pastime and the should set the weekend straight. lol. i was reading KRS1 site and he was inquiring about how other people relax. it seems as if i relax too much. i just AM. although NYC is a very fast paced type of enviroment i just let it pass me by because im not even going to kill myself trying to keep up. i mean i do go out and stuff, but if i dont i dont. and if i feel like chillin at home all weekend i do that. i do things on my terms. i like that. but i know what he means by sometimes not being able to relax as much as you would like. i want to go to *guess* TRIBE? you got it, but i dotn know. my mom told me to go straight home after work and stay in my house. lol. parents are funny. but i guess that is what part of their job is, trying to protect you.
//. I am off monday and im excited. but too bad its not for anything cool. well it is kind of but my stuff from FL is arriving. *jumps up and down* finally. more shit to put in my house. I really dnt have much to say. well i am reading a good book "choke" its very good so far. This week i met a lot of people on the random tip. its pretty weird because i never just start talking to people out the blue, but this week i dont know whats gotten into me. well i have 31 minutes left of work and i am going to go to our conference room to see what else BUBBA has up his sleeve. i dont even want to get started on that...
//. have a great weekend. RELAX, smoke, and may your children speak proper english.
//.maktub

3.17.2003

beautiful stranger
//.oh lordy its monday! . i have a massive headache today- 4 advils later...no luck. well at least this means we are one day closer to the weekend. this weekend was absolutely beautiful in NYC. the weather was perfect and everyone was out and about. saturday started off with some plans to attend church since i have not been in ages and that attempt was futile. saturday night i wanted to go to TRIBE but my roomate and i fell asleep. i woke up at 1:30 am. i was not very content. on sunday, i got up and decided that i would go to the city and walk around since it was so lovely outside.
//.ok this is where it starts to get a little weird. i went to my train station and these 2 guys complimented me on my smile. see? *smiles*. for some reason or another we started talking and i did something i have never done and problaby will never do again... ok maybe i will but not for a long time. one of them was going to work and the other was going to go home. somehow we ended up in the city together and walked around and chilled and spent the whole day together! me and a complete stranger had the best time in the city. it was weird, but what was weirder was that it seemed as if we had known each other for years. i enjoyed his company very much, and it just felt good to be in the company of someone who doesnt know anything about my past, my fears, my strenghts, my dreams, etc...
//.on the other hand, it could have been a complete disaster but thank god it was not. Mr. Perfectly Wrong called this weekend and was supposed to stop by. he didnt and im sort of glad. i didnt want want anything to resurface and ruin my weekend, but i do miss him. which brings me to another point. why do people waste their time with someone who they know is not the person who they see themselves with? i was talking to my roomate about her 'friend' and i do not understand why she KNOWINGLY stays with this man ..for now. why would you do that to someone, much more importantly to yourself? i suppose that our views differ, of course but i know a lot of people who do the same thing. to me that is probably hindering me from meeting the person i want, by beingwith someone who will do...for now.
//.well i am off to try to work. my headache is unbearable. its one of those in your veins type of headaches...yuck.
//.maktub

3.14.2003

get by
//. well last night after yet ANOTHER lame excuse about why he could not make it over to my place i decided that 'Mr. Perfectly Wrong' had to be done away with-and quickly. so a text message that read: 'i got the hint' was delivered via my phone and after that i decided that there is no need to waste MORE time. today i was talking to julie about how last week at this time i was worried about what i was going to wear to my 'date' with Mr. Perfectly Wrong. i looked very nice by the way, to say the least. anyways, there goes that attempt
(i think im on like attempt # 351) i will get it right one of these days. im thinking if it would be too mean to take a small box from work and leave his shit on my door step, with the letters "Mr. Perfectly Wrong" written on them in big black marker. im sure he would know it was for him. that would be great, but considering i live in brooklyn on a very busy street it would not be too wise for me to leave his shit posted on our steps. darn. i will think of something though. besides i never beleived that he had 2 girls who really liked him and he left them both to be by HIM-self. what a load of shit. he must think im stupid. pffft. i suppose that the problem i have not just with him, but with a lot of persons is that, how come when we first started kicking it you would take time out your so called busy schedule to call me, come see me and everyother good thing. but now you are so busy? tell me what person gets out of work 4. F O U R. hours later then they were supposed to. whatever. but then again he doenst have to worry about coming up with more excuses for me. im throwing in the towel. i quit. its over. call it what ever youd like. im calling it quits.
//.last night i stopped by this here place (ive always wanted to say that) and i purchased talib kweli's Quality CD. its great. but i was mad becuase i wanted to pick up midnight marauders by TRIBE, and Erykah's LIVE cd, and Biggie's Ready to Die CD and those people didnt even have Biggie! i was so amped (i previously owned all the aformentioned CD's but they grew legs, hopefully they grew teeth too and bit the shit out of whoever took em'!)i was going to a place suggested by KRS1 and they didnt even have my stuff... which reminds me Kevin if you are reading im mad at you. FYI. getting in contact with you is like pulling teeth. even the president had time to get his dick sucked! (oh wait... that sounded like i was trying to...you know... ROFL. that was just an illustration.) LOL . call a nigga back. thanks! oh and now that im doing all that He wanted everyone to know that he was the one who helped me through my hard time with Mr. Perfectly Wrong (so he thinks) lol. his ass told me to call him in the morning. what a friend huh?
//.anyhow the weekend is very near and i think i may go check out the matisse picasso exhibit at the MOMA, or then again maybe not it may be too crowded... uh-oh i feel another sick day coming! *cough cough* im considering stopping by Tribe yet again. but who knows, all i know is that i will be doing something/somewhere/somebody. wanna come?
//maktub

3.13.2003

wasted time
//. in retrospect, it seems as if a lot of my time has been wasted. but more importantly it also seems as if my feelings go unappreciated so its more like the latter. i could not have said it more perfectly when i said that it may all be over soon. tuesday after work 'the boy' came over and we talked. he apparently has made up his mind that he needs to be alone and that he is not ready for a commitment and yadda yadda... i dont remember asking him to be my man after knowing him for a full 1.5 weeks. but oh well. i was sad. very sad. he has some very admirable qualities and i was hoping that perhaps we could build on something. i guess i just dont understand what he wants. in my mind im thinking 'hmmm i like him. hes a nice guy. great personality. therefore i want to hang out with him and see where this goes.' he stated that he thinks the same thing of me, but he denies himself from hanging out with me becuase hes not ready to commit. whatever. that to me is right up there with the ever so lame 'i just want to be with me' which by the way he gave me that line too. he gave me lots of sorry excuses now that i think about it. ummmmhmmm... i just dont understand why he was placed in my path. i have no clue. he has the qualities that i look for, and never find and when i finally thought i found something that would make me happy-shit like this goes down. so i think that i am going to remove myself from the situation and retire my emotions. i think i have been convinced that im meant to be alone. yup yup. me and my yorkie forever together-alone. how pathetic...
//.in other news, i was off yesturday because i was SICK *cough cough* it was great actually i tried not to think about my current situation as much and i went SHOPPING! which reminds me...i forgot the stuff i had to return. and im so happy becuase my EX-best friend turned homie lover friend and i are on speaking terms again. it is so amazing how you can feel so much for one person and then completely stop talking to them and when u talk to them again you feel refreshed to find out those feelings are no longer there. it truly is. we talked and when i hung up that phone i felt nothing at all. i feel like i now have my old friend back and no emotional attachment. it feels great. i think that everyone should remove themselves from situations like i do and then when u go back its a whole new realtionship becuase the dynamics have totally changed. so perhaps i will implement this with 'the boy' i dont know how effective that will be though, becuase we really dont have much of a foundation.
//.guess what? i have a NEW CHAIR! with great back support. it amazing what a little threatning will do around here... lol. let me stop, but im very glad that i have back support now. now i dont look like im lounging as much. well that never really is the case becuase my desk is COVERED with papers and shit. so i look like i stay pretty busy. cant you tell? well i must go work now. argh!
//.maktub

3.10.2003

what do you have to offer a relationship, if a relationship is all you have?
//. ive been thinkin about that lately. it seems as if a whole lot is happening at one and my world is spinning. i wish it would stop and let me the hell off. i met this guy last week and things are going pretty fast for the short amount of time we have had dealings. but there are 2 problems: count them. 1.2. for 1, hes PERFECT. and 2, hes kind of sort of has a girlfriend (whatever that means) he states that over the last 3 weeks things have not been the same. when i met him his reply to the ever so famous question was "uh...*long pause*...no" i should have known. but oh well im already in too deep. today he is going to go talk to her, since she told him they needed to 'talk' after he told her he went out on a date this weekend. i suppose i dont know what to think. at all. im at a loss for words and surprisingly, im feeling very unattached to the reality of it all. all i know is that this one right here put me on to his "im a beyonce/sisqo/diana" (read=i dont sing background and i dont do duets)speech. and im sooooo ready to give it. lol. i suppose that like every other human, you just want to find whats right for YOU. and it just makes it a little harder when you have worked so hard to find it and then all you see are obstacles in your way, however whatever may happen up to right now i havent done/said anything that i regret. today is going to be a loooooooong day.
//. on a more subtle note, this weekend was a damm good one if i may say so myself. me and my roomate went to TRIBE and much fun was had. that place is great. the music is always on point and the song that made my night was 'everyday people' by arrested development. when that song came on EVERYONE was jammin'. i met some cool people (who live in the ATL) am i ever going to meet people who actually LIVE here? oh well. my roomate doesnt play. she suggested we take 3 shots back to back >whoa> before we left the house. but i think that the cold did something to me because i was not where i needed to be considering all i drank... but i got there. hehe.
//.yesturday was a beautiful day out and i did some things. ZOE BURNING, burned and did some laundry. finally, the boy came over and we chilled. it was nice. too bad it may all be over soon ;(
//.maktub

3.03.2003

You think the way you live is okay
You think posing will save your day


"You had plenty of time, there was no rush
.But it was your dream to be like us
.You're in dreamland so you don't care
.And as you wake I'm standing there"
-Neptunes

//.sitting here talking to my friend i realized just how ignorant people can be. there is this Salvadorian in her class and he swears up and down that he is not part of the minority and he beleives that he is white. he equates white with right and purity. shes talked to me about him a couple of times and it just infuriates me more and more the more she mentions him. and it makes me wonder where was he raised and by whom, and exactly where they went wrong. he makes comments such as "my girfriend is a strawberry blonde puerto rican, but she doesnt look it and she speaks very properly unlike the rest of them" um, excuse me mr? how many puerto-ricans do you know with strawberry blonde hair? i know some too, your girlfriend and them probably get it dyed at the same place. pfft. and the part that really gets to me is that he really (from what she tells me) does not look white at all. he is 100% salvadorian, and obviously 150% ignorant- and not that this would make it better but its not like he is like a cuban or a spaniard that can possibly pass as a white person. he feels that anything that is not white is bad, and he has assimilated to the white culture to the point where he is a disgrace to his own. i could go on and on about this, but i wont because i will not endorse ingnorance. i would, however love to give him a piece of my mind and see the reaction on his face when the simple question is asked: "do you think the average white person thinks as highly of you, fuckin POSER?" ignorance to that degree erks me.
//.in other news, i almost lost both my left and right ears on the way to work this morning. i decided that not wearing a hat would look cute in -8 degree weather (wind chill). but i ended up sporting my scarf around my head and looking very earthy to say the least. this weekend was cool. friday after work i ran to the train station and then to the bodega to purchase some Nyquil so that i could go home and put myself out of my misery. i couldnt even stand myself, i was that irritable-hence my friday post. this weekend i talked to antonio and lloyd a lot, called cingular to curse them out yet again and cancel my service or lack thereof. somehow i let the lady talk me into going to the company store instead of the agent store i originally purchased my phone from. they were very helpful. i walked out with a new phone, and 2 new phone numbers. one belonged to the cutie i met. *winks* how u like that there? hehe. then saturday night me and my roomate went to chill with ms. twiggy and her girl. we watched the fight, drank apple martini's and took hella pics which twiggy was supposed to bring to work so that i may scan them, but you know The Blacks. actually shes not black, but sometimes i forget that. ROFL. so hopefully she will REMEMBER them for tomorrow. *insert sarcastic grin*
//.well the day is almost over and my list of accomplishments is not very long. i did however make a mental note of the things i need to do to get my life together (i sound like tyson last week. ROFL), got my nails done over lunch (which didnt go over very well with rasta boy-he asked me if i put my nails over my stomach-and the answer was evident. OOPS! not a good thing to say to a TRUE rastafarian), talked with the cutie (refer to 2nd paragraph), and have fantasized about how i get to call in sick without fear. (my probationary period is Officially over!!!!!!) yay! well i must be productive now.
//.maktub